I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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