I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
