They should really pass out barf bags in church
This house was built for laser tag.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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