My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
