he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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