im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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