hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
