Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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