I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
