I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
