Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we made out on top of his cat.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
