I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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