ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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