So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They have beer where we have blood.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
