Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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