I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
