I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
