I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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