it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
