i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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