You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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