I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
