Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
MIDGETS
????
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
