she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
