He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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