Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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