Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
