I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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