i think my tv is drunk
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Send help, water and tortillas.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
