I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
