he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
