I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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