So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize