dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
