i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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