I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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