nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm always down for nudity.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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