Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think I just sharted jello shots
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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