apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
