There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
