They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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