Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
