I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize