ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
