Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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