Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
