He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
