I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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