If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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