Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
