In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
