Your face is a jimmy john
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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