if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
