Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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