if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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