Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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